Garden of Gethsemane .

Your sweat became like great drops of blood ..in complete anguish You pleaded with your father to take the cup from you yet nevertheless His will was to be done.. I can only imagine the pain you felt. The feeling of death surrounding you as you look over only to see your disciples asleep. Could they not watch at least an hour?

While I may never be able to fully describe in that moment how you felt I know that my present sufferings that I must endure do not compare. The feelings of being alone and betrayed by the ones who are most dear to your heart must have been heartbreaking. Yet you knew all these things would happen and you loved them the same. I must admit that once again your ability to love has challenged my weak love. When I feel abandoned by those closest to my heart suddenly you remind me that I'm not alone.. Nevertheless not my will but yours be done

Dark am yet Lovely .. "Songs of Solomon 1:5"

Dark am I yet lovely.. Surrounded by the darkness of my sin and my inablity to love God in my own strength. It is the weakness of my eyes that capture His heart ...almost afraid to look ...yet another disappoinment that I must bring before Him. The one who I told I would never do it again.Tears have become my food because I have longed to know what He is really like.. My eyes seem to focus more on the darkness of my fleshly nature vs. the love that He has lavished upon ..God delights in my weakness but yet I ask the question .."God why must I be so weak?"

Weak in my choices, weak in my thoughts, weak in my love for you... but yet you tell me this moves your heart? How is this so.. ?

I must admit though I have no answers for these questions above I am sure of one thing...my heart must never stop searching ..

"The revelation that He sees me and delights in me even in my weakness gives me confidence to turn to Him and bodly declare my love for Him while I am yet immature"

Pursuit

To be violently chased by God as my heart gasps for air.. Why am I running? You would think it would be much easier to just stand still and let Him pursue me right? The fight within seems to be greater than my desire to let Him catch up with me.. you see having the knowledge of God and knowing God our two separate things. While my heart desires to know this man the knowledge that I have already gained has yet to become a reality within. Many years I've searched for Him not knowing that it was Him who I was looking for. As the cares of life sweep over me the waves I can no longer see above. Though war rages within my soul I am confident that He is very near to me. Reality is this ..when you think you know God circumstances will try you to see if you really know Him as well as you think you do.Although I'm faced with opposition it must be embraced because it comes to make me stronger.

So I stop running.... I'm standing here and He meets me right where I am. At this point I'm prepared for the worst to happen but instead He just whispers "I love you" and walks away What ? so you mean to tell me that God only chased me down to tell me He loves me? what kind of man is this? I attempt to catch up with Him gasping for air I wanted to know what He meant when He said He loved me. .. I can see Him in a distance and now He no longer pursues me but I pursue Him. I'm on a desperate pursuit for love....